the beautiful people of 248

28 Dec, Melbourne to Sin.

Thank you Mrs Lim. You are the most amazing old lady i've served by far and it was my pleasure to be able to take care of you.

Thank you, Oscar, you are the cutest big eyed, intelligent 13 months baby I have seen on board. I hope my child ( if i ever have one) will be as adorable as you.

Flying can be beautiful. It can be tiring and stressful but it can be beautiful. and im going to miss it. 

half fucked

idk if it was flying that changed me, the people that i hang out with that changed me, or it was just me compromising on my beliefs. but i sure as hell feel very much fucked and i think i have only myself to blame. 

need to quit the sticks. 

need to cut the drinks.

need to stop having to deal with shit. 

february. you better leave soph, you better. and thn go do smth abt your half fucked life before its too late.  

the fickle minded

silverwares
woodwares
photography
make up
craft
illustrations
bake
typography
fashion

definitely more

Clean

"
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do
And the butterflies turned to dust they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean
Said, I think I am finally clean

10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it
10 months older I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

"

thank you taylor swift, you get me again. 

silly talks.

M: Are butterflies important?

mm. i think they are. at least for me. when i was with him, every single time i meet him i get the butterflies. even after i get comfortable, like when he kisses me, i just wanna melt into a puddle know. and thn now, i just cant feel that way for anyone anymore. and i miss that feeling. its the magical feeling i've been talking about. hah. 

M: thats why im uncertain.

take some time. idk. but some ppl believes that the butterflies will flutter after awhile. mine doesnt though. mine needs to fly at first sight. 

M: same. butterflies don't grow. i guess thats why we are both still single. waiting for them butterflies. not sure if they still exists. 

or maybe cause it was first love thats why it felt magical? idk. 

M: ya soph. maybe we should give caterpillars a chance. 

i hate caterpillars! 

M: haha. squish them 

---------------------------

My insides.

Empty. Like my glasses.
Still fine. Like me, after my glasses have been emptied. 

If I Stay

today i watched a beautiful love story and cried my eyes out.
can't stop thinking about it.
can't stop wishing that i'd be able to find my Adam.
anyhow, i enjoyed the movie and i think i'll add that to my top 10 list.

i just want to

stop
feeling like im trying
to fit in.

not have to
laugh at jokes
that i dont find funny

stop
talking to boys
i dont like

not have to
try to fill awkward silences
with random topics

be
able to
be myself

but right now its kinda blurry
im not quite sure how to be myself
anymore

Begin Again

good movie

good music

"i think everything's changed"

-Gretta

life as it is, a drama

my life has been pretty dramatic i would say.
a few days ago, i went through a second close shave with death in a car accident.
first time was prolly 2 yrs back, out in the sea with a thai dude and a jet ski that failed on us.
both times with fanny. they say you'll realise what matters most to you when you're in the face of death but i kinda dont agree cause my mind was pretty much blank when it happened. i was just like waiting for the impact and thn in my mind it was just " fuck this shit. fuck.... this is not happening." thn the signals were on and the windscreen wiper was turned on and thn i realised it was real. thn the next thing i was concerned about was fanny's safety and thn how my dad would kill me when he sees his car. it was pretty bad. and i think it would be ridiculous to say this but.. SURVIVE A CAR CRASH, CHECKED.

that aside, life has been inconsistent. i'd like to have a zillion moments to hold on to and be happy about and i get that kind of happy from new adventures but it always doesnt last long enough. but thn again with the increasing amt of plane disasters, i just feel kinda ... unwilling to go to work. its like you'll never know what is going to happen once that door closes and you take off. scary to even think about it. ah, asked for signs... these are pretty obvious signs right. 

its still cloudy ahead

been thinking and reading up on what i could, would, and should be doing after i stop flying and i keep coming to no conclusion. there are probably 100000 things i'd like to learn to do but its prolly time i make up my mind on 1 thing. but i just dont know which of these 100000 things is worth my time and money and whether it will benefit me in future. ahhh.. i need a sign. 

.

In the loneliest hours, i might miss your hugs.
In the loneliest hours, i might wonder why.
But other than these hours, i am perfectly alright.

All of me.

so i recently made John Legend's All of me, my favourite song. Beautiful lyrics and the perfect tune to go along.

-

late nights, deep thoughts
tonight i cried while i write alot
i wrote a little something because the night is really long. something for my family but they prolly wont get to read it. anyway..

dear mother,

i know you are sad

your heart must be broken

but let us try to piece it back

brother has problems

he thinks you don't understand

you are tired from working all day

you feel like we don't understand

Dad ain't good with words

he will just make everything worse

and my carelessness

was the last straw for you today

i feel really bad

but there is nothing i can do

i just want to say

that i love all of you

so let us not quarrel

and let us go back 

to the days we used to go fishing

and the days we spend time together

dear brother, 

i know you are mad

your heart must be broken

but let us try to piece it back

mother was mean today

she said some hurtful stuff

but with the words she used to hurt you

she was hurting herself too

daddy nags a lot i know

but he loves us a lot too i know

he worked his hair from black to gray

he wants to get us a nicer place to stay

i hope you know that all of us

just want you to be good

we want you to be happy

and be successful too

so let us not stay mad too long

just think about the good ol days

when daddy sent us to school on bicycle in the rain

when mummy came with cream after using the cane

dear daddy, 

i know you are exhausted

you deserve a holiday

a good and long one too

but your daughter, a muddlehead

got tickets for the wrong date

you said to call the trip off

but i really don't want to do that

you worked so hard

but spends so little

just so your children 

can live better

but dad yknow what

i am turning 22

i am working and saving

i promise i'll let you live well too

so just take care of yourself

and of mummy too

please just have some faith

that your children are capable too

i am a cancer

a brokenhearted one too

but i pieced my heart back

with the help of all of you

a cancer is loyal

i always stay true

to the people who loves me

and the people i love too

a cancer cares for her family

very very true

i know i don't show enough 

but i really really do

so tomorrow when we wake

lets not bear grudges

let us learn more about each other

let us love more about each other

so long

just being the fickle girl i always have been and moving on to another space again. a space just for late night thoughts.

embracing this kind of life while i still can. 

12-14: brisbane

15-16: kuching

17-22: johannesburg//capetown

23-27: taipei (self discovery trip till trash meets me there)

28-30: Jakarta

marathon month but im glad i managed to get it all organised.

life has been good. i just wish mh370 would be found soon cause waking up every morning to check the news to know that there is no news is just getting more and more sad. be safe. someone work some miracle. 

amazing how i got this far

" Men will cheat. All of them. Men are hunters. Dont give your all" says a 44 year old man to me on board the plane from london back to singapore.

" Men will cheat if they have no moral, not enough love for the girls who gave them their all. and it is not love if you don't give your all. you cannot control love. " thats what i think.

my kind of man still exists right.

2.13 am

i ended up thinking about alot of stuff because i decided not to watch another episode of running man and risk not waking up early enough to seize my offday tmr. but i cant fall asleep yet.

i wrote alot. and thn i deleted the whole of it. because its 2014. because there just isnt any point writing about it. and because everything has changed but at the same time, nothing has changed.

Say hello to goodbye

2014 didnt start off very well for me. and i keep having this feeling that something bad will happen on my long awaited london flight but i try not to think too much about it. I just came back from Amsterdam and i would say that its one of my favourite station because there are just too many things to see and do and i would like to go there again. Next time, i will go to the red light district at night and i will go to the flower street and i would cycle.

lately, i dont even have much to worry about. nth too important that is. apart from my extremely dark eye rings, my ever fattening thighs and how i am getting uglier each day. life is kinda mundane but i guess it might be better, safer this way.

tata, and here are just some songs i heard that i like:

hers are really beautiful. my new fave:

now good bye. to all things negative. 

Resolutions

whats a new year without resolutions right.
here goes:

1. To be balanced; work and family and friends and self.

2. To be healthy; exercise

3. To save another $20000 by december 2014

4. To be positive; to not whine about my job even though sometimes i rly want to.

5. To make plans for post flying life and actually do smth about it.

6. To experience snow; build a snowman, have a snowfight and make snowangels.

7. To not remind myself about the past that is not worth mentioning by not mentioning it again.

8. To be patient and honest as best as i can be.

9. To go on a holiday ( korea or taiwan )

10. To leave my hair alone.

11. To drive the car more often. and eventually without mum and dad's supervision.

12. To learn at least 3 new things about myself.

13. To not be in a hurry to be in love and only commit when the magic happens.

14. To paint my room white.

thats all.
marathoning my next 7 days. gogosophyoucandoit!