i just want to

stop
feeling like im trying
to fit in.

not have to
laugh at jokes
that i dont find funny

stop
talking to boys
i dont like

not have to
try to fill awkward silences
with random topics

be
able to
be myself

but right now its kinda blurry
im not quite sure how to be myself
anymore

Begin Again

good movie

good music

"i think everything's changed"

-Gretta

life as it is, a drama

my life has been pretty dramatic i would say.
a few days ago, i went through a second close shave with death in a car accident.
first time was prolly 2 yrs back, out in the sea with a thai dude and a jet ski that failed on us.
both times with fanny. they say you'll realise what matters most to you when you're in the face of death but i kinda dont agree cause my mind was pretty much blank when it happened. i was just like waiting for the impact and thn in my mind it was just " fuck this shit. fuck.... this is not happening." thn the signals were on and the windscreen wiper was turned on and thn i realised it was real. thn the next thing i was concerned about was fanny's safety and thn how my dad would kill me when he sees his car. it was pretty bad. and i think it would be ridiculous to say this but.. SURVIVE A CAR CRASH, CHECKED.

that aside, life has been inconsistent. i'd like to have a zillion moments to hold on to and be happy about and i get that kind of happy from new adventures but it always doesnt last long enough. but thn again with the increasing amt of plane disasters, i just feel kinda ... unwilling to go to work. its like you'll never know what is going to happen once that door closes and you take off. scary to even think about it. ah, asked for signs... these are pretty obvious signs right. 

its still cloudy ahead

been thinking and reading up on what i could, would, and should be doing after i stop flying and i keep coming to no conclusion. there are probably 100000 things i'd like to learn to do but its prolly time i make up my mind on 1 thing. but i just dont know which of these 100000 things is worth my time and money and whether it will benefit me in future. ahhh.. i need a sign. 

.

In the loneliest hours, i might miss your hugs.
In the loneliest hours, i might wonder why.
But other than these hours, i am perfectly alright.

All of me.

so i recently made John Legend's All of me, my favourite song. Beautiful lyrics and the perfect tune to go along.

-

late nights, deep thoughts
tonight i cried while i write alot
i wrote a little something because the night is really long. something for my family but they prolly wont get to read it. anyway..

dear mother,

i know you are sad

your heart must be broken

but let us try to piece it back

brother has problems

he thinks you don't understand

you are tired from working all day

you feel like we don't understand

Dad ain't good with words

he will just make everything worse

and my carelessness

was the last straw for you today

i feel really bad

but there is nothing i can do

i just want to say

that i love all of you

so let us not quarrel

and let us go back 

to the days we used to go fishing

and the days we spend time together

dear brother, 

i know you are mad

your heart must be broken

but let us try to piece it back

mother was mean today

she said some hurtful stuff

but with the words she used to hurt you

she was hurting herself too

daddy nags a lot i know

but he loves us a lot too i know

he worked his hair from black to gray

he wants to get us a nicer place to stay

i hope you know that all of us

just want you to be good

we want you to be happy

and be successful too

so let us not stay mad too long

just think about the good ol days

when daddy sent us to school on bicycle in the rain

when mummy came with cream after using the cane

dear daddy, 

i know you are exhausted

you deserve a holiday

a good and long one too

but your daughter, a muddlehead

got tickets for the wrong date

you said to call the trip off

but i really don't want to do that

you worked so hard

but spends so little

just so your children 

can live better

but dad yknow what

i am turning 22

i am working and saving

i promise i'll let you live well too

so just take care of yourself

and of mummy too

please just have some faith

that your children are capable too

i am a cancer

a brokenhearted one too

but i pieced my heart back

with the help of all of you

a cancer is loyal

i always stay true

to the people who loves me

and the people i love too

a cancer cares for her family

very very true

i know i don't show enough 

but i really really do

so tomorrow when we wake

lets not bear grudges

let us learn more about each other

let us love more about each other