My insides.

Empty. Like my glasses.
Still fine. Like me, after my glasses have been emptied. 

If I Stay

today i watched a beautiful love story and cried my eyes out.
can't stop thinking about it.
can't stop wishing that i'd be able to find my Adam.
anyhow, i enjoyed the movie and i think i'll add that to my top 10 list.

i just want to

stop
feeling like im trying
to fit in.

not have to
laugh at jokes
that i dont find funny

stop
talking to boys
i dont like

not have to
try to fill awkward silences
with random topics

be
able to
be myself

but right now its kinda blurry
im not quite sure how to be myself
anymore

Begin Again

good movie

good music

"i think everything's changed"

-Gretta

life as it is, a drama

my life has been pretty dramatic i would say.
a few days ago, i went through a second close shave with death in a car accident.
first time was prolly 2 yrs back, out in the sea with a thai dude and a jet ski that failed on us.
both times with fanny. they say you'll realise what matters most to you when you're in the face of death but i kinda dont agree cause my mind was pretty much blank when it happened. i was just like waiting for the impact and thn in my mind it was just " fuck this shit. fuck.... this is not happening." thn the signals were on and the windscreen wiper was turned on and thn i realised it was real. thn the next thing i was concerned about was fanny's safety and thn how my dad would kill me when he sees his car. it was pretty bad. and i think it would be ridiculous to say this but.. SURVIVE A CAR CRASH, CHECKED.

that aside, life has been inconsistent. i'd like to have a zillion moments to hold on to and be happy about and i get that kind of happy from new adventures but it always doesnt last long enough. but thn again with the increasing amt of plane disasters, i just feel kinda ... unwilling to go to work. its like you'll never know what is going to happen once that door closes and you take off. scary to even think about it. ah, asked for signs... these are pretty obvious signs right. 

its still cloudy ahead

been thinking and reading up on what i could, would, and should be doing after i stop flying and i keep coming to no conclusion. there are probably 100000 things i'd like to learn to do but its prolly time i make up my mind on 1 thing. but i just dont know which of these 100000 things is worth my time and money and whether it will benefit me in future. ahhh.. i need a sign. 

.

In the loneliest hours, i might miss your hugs.
In the loneliest hours, i might wonder why.
But other than these hours, i am perfectly alright.