Thanks to some very good friends.
I know i can do this cause i have you all to back me up.
and dear syl, we can do this. together.
today i went for yoga and the girl at the registration counter was telling us that she'd like to see us more cause we make her day better. that was nice to hear and that was one good thing about my day amidst the many other good thing like being able to catch a cab as soon as i walked to the main road this morning, getting moved to tears by my dear friend while i was at work (its a good thing; happy tears), and like... even though i didnt meet the bus stop geek today, there is always tmr. #freethrill #luckythrill
ok night!
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
reasons why.
from thought catalog:
1. Because every time we come in contact with each other, even briefly, all of my friends inevitably ask me a million invasive questions about what happened and whether or not we said anything to each other. (Spoiler alert: we awkwardly moved in circles around each other and nodded, as always.)
2. Because the music I listen to has started to take on these weird undertones, as though each song is secretly telling me something that you’re trying to say from across the city.
3. Because it’s making me hate music entirely.
4. Because I feel like there is a limit to how much can happen between two people if you still expect them to be normal around each other when it’s all over. It feels like we passed that limit a really long time ago, and now it’s bound to be tense when we run into one another because it isn’t just us — it’s everything that happened while we were together.
5. Because I remember what you look like naked, and what you feel like in my bed, and the way you breathe when you are just first falling asleep.
6. Because you were once inside me, not so long ago.
7. Because I feel that you have seen a real version of me which I do my best to obscure and filter on a daily basis, and I’m uncomfortable being around someone who knows that much about me and is no longer bound to me in any way.
8. Because I can’t help but think of all the secrets you know when I see you, and wonder how many people you’ve already told.
9. Because I’ve convinced the mutual friends which leaned more to my side of the fence to hate you for reasons which may or not be mostly my own ego and hurt feelings.
10. Because I’m afraid you’ll ask me for the sweater back which I have strategically stolen. But you can’t be mad at me for this; it fits perfectly and keeps me extremely warm on the semi-frequent nights where my heater doesn’t work.
11. Because I am afraid I will see you everywhere, so I have to constantly steel myself against the prospect.
12. Because the day you left me, I was so humiliated that I tried to say the meanest things I possibly could as you were leaving. I now realize how ridiculous that was, of course, and that it was necessary for us to take a break from each other and the bad things we were doing, but I don’t want to look someone in the eyes who heard me say these things.
13. Because I’m not the person you remember, but you don’t know that.
14. Because I’m afraid that I have gotten progressively less attractive while you have only gotten more lovely in my eyes. I know that I have let myself go emotionally, and I would be shocked if that wasn’t at least somewhat visible in my outward appearance.
15. Because I miss you.
16. Because I had to delete you off of all social media for my own sanity and now I fear that we would be expected to add each other again if we had a long enough conversation, and I don’t think I’d be ready to have that temptation in my life.
17. Because I’m afraid you’re with someone else, and I don’t want to know if you are.
18. Because I have practiced what I am going to say to you again if I acknowledge your existence, and even in front of the mirror I look like an absolute idiot. I can tell that what I want to say sounds rehearsed, and insincere, and mostly meant to save my own pride.
19. Because even in front of my own mirror, the only think that makes sense is “I still think about you. Do you ever think about me?”
that was me a little while back.
Monday, 25 February 2013
44.5
that means. 0.5kg more to go.
I can't wait for the start of what may come along with this decision.
They say i'll definitely feel more alone thn ever at some point of time.
But i say no, its not definite. I really need to be away. over and over again.
I can't wait for the start of what may come along with this decision.
They say i'll definitely feel more alone thn ever at some point of time.
But i say no, its not definite. I really need to be away. over and over again.
the curious one.
"Don’t fall in love with a curious one.
They will want to know who you are, where you come from, what your family was like.
They will look through your photographs and read all of your poems. They will come over for dinner and speak to your mother about how their curiosity has taught them things of use to her. They will ask you to rant when you’re angry and cry when you’re hurt.
They will ask what that raised eyebrow meant. They will want to know your favorite food, your favorite color, you favorite person. They will ask why.
They will buy that camera you liked, pay attention to that band you love in case there’s a show near by, they will get you the sweater you smiled at once. They’ll learn to cook your favorite meals.
The curious people don’t settle for your shell, they want the insides.
They want what makes you heavy, what makes you uneasy, what makes you scream
for joy, and anger, and heartbreak.
Their skin will turn into pages
that you learn to pour out your entire being in.
Don’t fall in love with the curious one.
They won’t let a sigh go unexplained.
They will want to know what they did
Exactly what they did to make you love them.
Year, month, week, day.
“What time was it? What did I say? What did I do?
How did you feel?”
Don’t fall in love with a curious one because I’ve been there.
They will unbutton your shirt
and read every scar
every mark
every curve.
They will dissect your every limb, every organ, every thought, every being
then walk back home and eat their dinner and never return your calls.
You will never be their lifelong expedition. The heart is a mystery only for so long.
There is no ache like loving a curious one
who chases every falling star and never catching one.
Who comes and sees and conquers
and leaves.
I’ve fallen in love with a curious one.
Maybe one day he will take the train back home
and be curious enough to read one last message from me
carved on a seat.
“There’s a curiosity in you that will move mountains some day
as effortlessly as you’ve moved me for years.”
— Don’t Fall In Love With The Curious One
They will want to know who you are, where you come from, what your family was like.
They will look through your photographs and read all of your poems. They will come over for dinner and speak to your mother about how their curiosity has taught them things of use to her. They will ask you to rant when you’re angry and cry when you’re hurt.
They will ask what that raised eyebrow meant. They will want to know your favorite food, your favorite color, you favorite person. They will ask why.
They will buy that camera you liked, pay attention to that band you love in case there’s a show near by, they will get you the sweater you smiled at once. They’ll learn to cook your favorite meals.
The curious people don’t settle for your shell, they want the insides.
They want what makes you heavy, what makes you uneasy, what makes you scream
for joy, and anger, and heartbreak.
Their skin will turn into pages
that you learn to pour out your entire being in.
Don’t fall in love with the curious one.
They won’t let a sigh go unexplained.
They will want to know what they did
Exactly what they did to make you love them.
Year, month, week, day.
“What time was it? What did I say? What did I do?
How did you feel?”
Don’t fall in love with a curious one because I’ve been there.
They will unbutton your shirt
and read every scar
every mark
every curve.
They will dissect your every limb, every organ, every thought, every being
then walk back home and eat their dinner and never return your calls.
You will never be their lifelong expedition. The heart is a mystery only for so long.
There is no ache like loving a curious one
who chases every falling star and never catching one.
Who comes and sees and conquers
and leaves.
I’ve fallen in love with a curious one.
Maybe one day he will take the train back home
and be curious enough to read one last message from me
carved on a seat.
“There’s a curiosity in you that will move mountains some day
as effortlessly as you’ve moved me for years.”
— Don’t Fall In Love With The Curious One
how are you?
i feel like shit.
try holding in your tears for 12 hours. You feel like puking but you cannot do that cause you will lose weight. You don't wanna talk but you are surrounded by the people you love and you just can't let them worry. So you managed to hold it in till you're home and thn you run into the shower to finally let it out with the water running so your mum and dad cannot hear you. after that, you sit on the toilet seat for about 10 minutes so your eyes are not red when you come out. This probably sounds funny. cause its been 5 months. and i'm still writing about and crying over the same thing even though i keep saying that its the last time. i'm more than just a fool. But this part is the part that hurts the most. I don't think i've been this upset since the start of the year. Maybe it was because of the rough week i had. Maybe cause tmr its monday again and i have to work. or Maybe because bleeding week is nearing. but definitely it was cause you really broke my heart. you always do. its what you do best, whether we are together or not. whether i see you or not. and its partly my fault for letting this happen again and again cause i always forget how painful it could end up for me. i just thought i needed to be happy for awhile and i thought this would make me happier. it did for awhile. but just for awhile. and the unhappiness that came along with it was totally not worth it at all.
The only comfort today would be the old folks.
They ate with their hands and i don't think they know what they are talking about. Their children are not with them. I opened the sticks of ice cream and passed it to them. and i could tell that they are happy. Possibly happier thn what i was today. and it was comforting to know that there is still something constructive a person this sad could do.
Dear me, it may take you 3 whole years. or even longer. and its going to be hard. but you'll be happier after that. You and him are bad together.
Please let today be the saddest day this year can be for me. Please.
try holding in your tears for 12 hours. You feel like puking but you cannot do that cause you will lose weight. You don't wanna talk but you are surrounded by the people you love and you just can't let them worry. So you managed to hold it in till you're home and thn you run into the shower to finally let it out with the water running so your mum and dad cannot hear you. after that, you sit on the toilet seat for about 10 minutes so your eyes are not red when you come out. This probably sounds funny. cause its been 5 months. and i'm still writing about and crying over the same thing even though i keep saying that its the last time. i'm more than just a fool. But this part is the part that hurts the most. I don't think i've been this upset since the start of the year. Maybe it was because of the rough week i had. Maybe cause tmr its monday again and i have to work. or Maybe because bleeding week is nearing. but definitely it was cause you really broke my heart. you always do. its what you do best, whether we are together or not. whether i see you or not. and its partly my fault for letting this happen again and again cause i always forget how painful it could end up for me. i just thought i needed to be happy for awhile and i thought this would make me happier. it did for awhile. but just for awhile. and the unhappiness that came along with it was totally not worth it at all.
The only comfort today would be the old folks.
They ate with their hands and i don't think they know what they are talking about. Their children are not with them. I opened the sticks of ice cream and passed it to them. and i could tell that they are happy. Possibly happier thn what i was today. and it was comforting to know that there is still something constructive a person this sad could do.
Dear me, it may take you 3 whole years. or even longer. and its going to be hard. but you'll be happier after that. You and him are bad together.
Please let today be the saddest day this year can be for me. Please.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
turns out..
saturday was just about
stomach upset.
nap (3 hrs)
dinner with godma.
Aunt's place.
drove home and now i'm down with a flu.
i'm so weak this year. dont know wanna fall sick how many times.
dont know wanna take steps back how many times.
i happened to chance upon this girl's photos and like.. i feel very happy for her.
she found a good guy, is happy now and... this voice in my head was like .." you could be her. if you moved on a few years ago." but it just isn't easy cause i kinda cannot stay mad at someone once they apologised.
apart from all of that, today's good thing was that i won some money from playing card games at my aunt's. yay.
/puts money into the travel fund.
and i got to wear my red knit for cny. yup i still love knitted tops.
ok goodnight y'all. i hope i wake up tmr and realise that its still 2011 and that 2012 and 2013 was all a dream. dont wanna work in this company anymore. too much stress for me to handle. but can't get out now. ok srsly, goodnight.
stomach upset.
nap (3 hrs)
dinner with godma.
Aunt's place.
drove home and now i'm down with a flu.
i'm so weak this year. dont know wanna fall sick how many times.
dont know wanna take steps back how many times.
i happened to chance upon this girl's photos and like.. i feel very happy for her.
she found a good guy, is happy now and... this voice in my head was like .." you could be her. if you moved on a few years ago." but it just isn't easy cause i kinda cannot stay mad at someone once they apologised.
apart from all of that, today's good thing was that i won some money from playing card games at my aunt's. yay.
/puts money into the travel fund.
and i got to wear my red knit for cny. yup i still love knitted tops.
ok goodnight y'all. i hope i wake up tmr and realise that its still 2011 and that 2012 and 2013 was all a dream. dont wanna work in this company anymore. too much stress for me to handle. but can't get out now. ok srsly, goodnight.
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