Alot stronger now.

Thanks to some very good friends.
I know i can do this cause i have you all to back me up.

and dear syl, we can do this. together.

today i went for yoga and the girl at the registration counter was telling us that she'd like to see us more cause we make her day better. that was nice to hear and that was one good thing about my day amidst the many other good thing like being able to catch a cab as soon as i walked to the main road this morning, getting moved to tears by my dear friend while i was at work (its a good thing; happy tears), and like... even though i didnt meet the bus stop geek today, there is always tmr. #freethrill #luckythrill

ok night!

reasons why.

from thought catalog:

1. Because every time we come in contact with each other, even briefly, all of my friends inevitably ask me a million invasive questions about what happened and whether or not we said anything to each other. (Spoiler alert: we awkwardly moved in circles around each other and nodded, as always.)

2. Because the music I listen to has started to take on these weird undertones, as though each song is secretly telling me something that you’re trying to say from across the city.

3. Because it’s making me hate music entirely.

4. Because I feel like there is a limit to how much can happen between two people if you still expect them to be normal around each other when it’s all over. It feels like we passed that limit a really long time ago, and now it’s bound to be tense when we run into one another because it isn’t just us — it’s everything that happened while we were together.

5. Because I remember what you look like naked, and what you feel like in my bed, and the way you breathe when you are just first falling asleep.

6. Because you were once inside me, not so long ago.

7. Because I feel that you have seen a real version of me which I do my best to obscure and filter on a daily basis, and I’m uncomfortable being around someone who knows that much about me and is no longer bound to me in any way.

8. Because I can’t help but think of all the secrets you know when I see you, and wonder how many people you’ve already told.

9. Because I’ve convinced the mutual friends which leaned more to my side of the fence to hate you for reasons which may or not be mostly my own ego and hurt feelings.

10. Because I’m afraid you’ll ask me for the sweater back which I have strategically stolen. But you can’t be mad at me for this; it fits perfectly and keeps me extremely warm on the semi-frequent nights where my heater doesn’t work.

11. Because I am afraid I will see you everywhere, so I have to constantly steel myself against the prospect.

12. Because the day you left me, I was so humiliated that I tried to say the meanest things I possibly could as you were leaving. I now realize how ridiculous that was, of course, and that it was necessary for us to take a break from each other and the bad things we were doing, but I don’t want to look someone in the eyes who heard me say these things.

13. Because I’m not the person you remember, but you don’t know that.

14. Because I’m afraid that I have gotten progressively less attractive while you have only gotten more lovely in my eyes. I know that I have let myself go emotionally, and I would be shocked if that wasn’t at least somewhat visible in my outward appearance.

15. Because I miss you.

16. Because I had to delete you off of all social media for my own sanity and now I fear that we would be expected to add each other again if we had a long enough conversation, and I don’t think I’d be ready to have that temptation in my life.

17. Because I’m afraid you’re with someone else, and I don’t want to know if you are.

18. Because I have practiced what I am going to say to you again if I acknowledge your existence, and even in front of the mirror I look like an absolute idiot. I can tell that what I want to say sounds rehearsed, and insincere, and mostly meant to save my own pride.

19. Because even in front of my own mirror, the only think that makes sense is “I still think about you. Do you ever think about me?” 

that was me a little while back. 

the baby and the cat.

this made me laugh. and so i thought i'd share it with y'all.

44.5

that means. 0.5kg more to go.
I can't wait for the start of what may come along with this decision.
They say i'll definitely feel more alone thn ever at some point of time.
But i say no, its not definite. I really need to be away. over and over again.

the curious one.

"Don’t fall in love with a curious one.
They will want to know who you are, where you come from, what your family was like.
They will look through your photographs and read all of your poems. They will come over for dinner and speak to your mother about how their curiosity has taught them things of use to her. They will ask you to rant when you’re angry and cry when you’re hurt.
They will ask what that raised eyebrow meant. They will want to know your favorite food, your favorite color, you favorite person. They will ask why.
They will buy that camera you liked, pay attention to that band you love in case there’s a show near by, they will get you the sweater you smiled at once. They’ll learn to cook your favorite meals.
The curious people don’t settle for your shell, they want the insides.
They want what makes you heavy, what makes you uneasy, what makes you scream
for joy, and anger, and heartbreak.
Their skin will turn into pages
that you learn to pour out your entire being in.
Don’t fall in love with the curious one.
They won’t let a sigh go unexplained.
They will want to know what they did
Exactly what they did to make you love them.
Year, month, week, day.
“What time was it? What did I say? What did I do?
How did you feel?”
Don’t fall in love with a curious one because I’ve been there.
They will unbutton your shirt
and read every scar
every mark
every curve.
They will dissect your every limb, every organ, every thought, every being
then walk back home and eat their dinner and never return your calls.
You will never be their lifelong expedition. The heart is a mystery only for so long.
There is no ache like loving a curious one
who chases every falling star and never catching one.
Who comes and sees and conquers
and leaves.

I’ve fallen in love with a curious one.
Maybe one day he will take the train back home
and be curious enough to read one last message from me
carved on a seat.

“There’s a curiosity in you that will move mountains some day
as effortlessly as you’ve moved me for years.”

— Don’t Fall In Love With The Curious One

how are you?

i feel like shit.

try holding in your tears for 12 hours. You feel like puking but you cannot do that cause you will lose weight. You don't wanna talk but you are surrounded by the people you love and you just can't let them worry. So you managed to hold it in till you're home and thn you run into the shower to finally let it out with the water running so your mum and dad cannot hear you. after that, you sit on the toilet seat for about 10 minutes so your eyes are not red when you come out. This probably sounds funny. cause its been 5 months. and i'm still writing about and crying over the same thing even though i keep saying that its the last time. i'm more than just a fool. But this part is the part that hurts the most. I don't think i've been this upset since the start of the year. Maybe it was because of the rough week i had. Maybe cause tmr its monday again and i have to work. or Maybe because bleeding week is nearing. but definitely it was cause you really broke my heart. you always do. its what you do best, whether we are together or not. whether i see you or not. and its partly my fault for letting this happen again and again cause i always forget how painful it could end up for me. i just thought i needed to be happy for awhile and i thought this would make me happier. it did for awhile. but just for awhile. and the unhappiness that came along with it was totally not worth it at all.

The only comfort today would be the old folks.

They ate with their hands and i don't think they know what they are talking about. Their children are not with them. I opened the sticks of ice cream and passed it to them. and i could tell that they are happy. Possibly happier thn what i was today. and it was comforting to know that there is still something constructive a person this sad could do.

Dear me, it may take you 3 whole years. or even longer. and its going to be hard. but you'll be happier after that. You and him are bad together.

Please let today be the saddest day this year can be for me. Please.

turns out..

saturday was just about

stomach upset.
nap (3 hrs)
dinner with godma.
Aunt's place.
drove home and now i'm down with a flu.

i'm so weak this year. dont know wanna fall sick how many times.
dont know wanna take steps back how many times.
i happened to chance upon this girl's photos and like.. i feel very happy for her.
she found a good guy, is happy now and... this voice in my head was like .." you could be her. if you moved on a few years ago." but it just isn't easy cause i kinda cannot stay mad at someone once they apologised.

apart from all of that, today's good thing was that i won some money from playing card games at my aunt's. yay.
/puts money into the travel fund.

and i got to wear my red knit for cny. yup i still love knitted tops.

ok goodnight y'all. i hope i wake up tmr and realise that its still 2011 and that 2012 and 2013 was all a dream. dont wanna work in this company anymore. too much stress for me to handle. but can't get out now. ok srsly, goodnight.

saturday

stomach upset.
yoga.
buy a bag.

You. and me.

As the thrilling Aries soul comes in contact with the sensitive Cancer soul, they make a strange combination of fire and water which provides both warmth and gentleness to their relationship. Sometimes the heat may soar up or both may experience high tides but if tackled well they make one of a kind lovely relationship.

An Aries man is just the kind of man who provides all security and protection to the lady love of his life. He is highly independent and hates to be dictated over any subject whether personal or professional. He is extremely active and hates any kind of monotony in life. Aries man in love with a Cancer woman always provides to be a stimulating companion with exciting ideas and appreciating words. His possessiveness always gives a sense of security to the emotional Cancer woman but at times his cruel words hurt her deep, making her murky.

Feelings of a Cancer woman are very tender and she gets hurt very frequently but her loyalty never let her leave her dear ones. In love with an Aries man, a Cancer woman always provides him with all the love, care and understanding but sometimes her caring attitude may seize his independence that makes Aries man feel uneasy.

Cancer woman is just a synonym to calmness, patience and love. She is such an imaginative and intellectual person who can well manage both her profession and home with her wise decisions and tender gestures. Being in love with a Cancer woman can provide an Aries man with heaven on earth as she is so fulfilling in all the demands of love and care put by the Aries man. She is gentle and always ready to be a cheerful companion, on whom he can always count, at the times of trouble. But she is extremely possessive and her caring attitude is sometimes so domineering that it can make an Aries man feel like getting dragged. The Aries man should remember that the way to keep his lady fair content in the relationship is understand her mood swings and shower her with lots of love and affection.

The Aries man dedicates himself to the relationship when he is able to believe that he is the dominating partner amongst the two. Since the Cancer woman is now tugged in with the Aries man she always needs to remember that he wants to enjoy sufficient freedom in the relationship and his woman must have absolute faith in his abilities and strengths. At times the warm Cancer woman finds him to be arrogant and self absorbed person but still he is very comforting and reassuring partner in all ups and downs of life. His fiery ways are exciting and even draining at times which brings a new excitement and zeal in her life. Aries man’s abrasiveness with his words and lack of tack with his opinions cut up a Cancer woman and she becomes insecure regarding the relationship and reacts emotionally and irrationally at times.

When these two signs absorb each other graciously, there is no love that is as passionate as that between an Aries and Cancer because this combination of fire and water lasts forever. Their unison becomes so strong that their emotions melt and become a running brook that sings its melody to the night. They wake up at dawn with winged hearts and give thanks for another day to love each other. When completely drenched in love the Cancer woman loosens her grip as she know that her alpha male will never leave her alone in stormy nights and the soothing touch of love also teaches the Aries man to be more considerate and compassionate towards his moony lassie. With every passing day their love becomes pristine and they walk hand-in-hand on the long road of life knowing their love is strong and will keep the flames alive….!

For an Aries man physical intimacy is a passion and necessity of the relationship while for a Cancer woman it is more to do with the emotions and the feeling of being wanted and loved. He has a very high sex drive but for her love, affection and mood comes first. Aries always want instant gratification and don’t have much patience but this calm maiden often requires to be gently and subtly coaxed to open up and express her intimacy. But still an Aries man is a perfect match to flame up the cool water of a Cancer woman which is enthusiastically received by her. The lovemaking between these two turns out to be as beautiful as the rainbow when all the colors of love and passion are blended with the closeness of their hearts and forms. There is an affectionate approach of sexual intimacy in Aries man which stirs up all the needs and desires of typically insecure Cancer woman making her feel safe in the arms of this sturdy man.

Aries are innocent beings with a great virtue of loyalty. Their courage is admirable and they keep blind faith in their love. But Aries also possess some traits such as egoism, impulsiveness and rudeness that make a Cancer feel insure. While on the other hand Cancer are very imaginative, kind and tender people. Some personae of Cancer that beat up the enthusiastic Aries spirit are clinginess, moodiness and possessiveness. If they manage to overcome the sensitive issue of finances, through mutual give-and-take, Aries and Cancer hold the potential of building some solid dream castles together. And a little bit more sensitivity on the part of Aries can actually help the relationship to blossom fragrantly!

right? i would say this is pretty true. but i'm skeptical about the part about aries being innocent beings with a great virtue of loyalty. was just talking to my dear girls. and.. just wanna say thanks babes, you girls made my day better. thanks syl for staying up till wee hours just to see our faces and let us see your face. 

This, i guess, is it.

i thought all of these meant something. but maybe not. 

now everything is just wrong.

life's lesson.

so i went for yoga today with my new made friend Serena. i've been calling her Serene since day 1 and she didnt correct me. till today. thats like.... 1 whole month of calling her by the wrong name. so anyway, yoga was really good today. what am i talking about.. yoga is always good.

bumped into my lecturer, sarah on the train and talked allllll the way back to the north side. about alot of stuff. mainly my future plans and my friend's future plans. and after talking to her, i feel like... i actually can pursue a future in design. but thn again... i have 2 years to think if i get through the review so.... we'll see.

my phone died again today. everyday actually. i cant wait for march to be here. fingers crossed for me everyone. today's weight: 44. 3kg.

0.7kg more. 18 more days. #candothis

you:4, me:0

maybe you were drunk
maybe you sent it to the wrong person
maybe it was just another one of your idea of a sick joke
or maybe you just want to destroy me.

was listening to "just a fool" today while i was working. that song is so relatable.

meanwhile, work, yoga, work, yoga, work, yoga.

Home

i was just looking for a mouse pad. and thn i saw the key. to the forbidden drawer. and i opened it.
every. single. time i open it, i ask myself if i'm ready and everytime my self says yes. but every time i end up closing that stupid drawer crying like a fool. and its always because of that first letter. cause it was really sweet and sincere and it makes me miss you alot.

and i still can't find the mouse pad. just going to use a magazine.

catch my breath

"no one can hold me back, i ain't got time for that."

Valentine's & other going ons.

Been a little too busy to write but today is valentine's day and i wanna make sure i remember how i spent it this year. Firstly, Happy Valentine's Day. I spent my day at work doing photoshoot before i headed for yoga and ended off the day with ice cream at salted caramel. with my date; my best friend; my sister; my dearest kianru. Also, i received some home baked goodies from a friend:)  so basically, valentine's day this year was still pretty alright. i think i spent alot of time trying to recall how i spent it last year. /shrugs. Its friday again. this week really flew by. I can't wait to hear from syl tmr night. and i can't wait to change my phone. Also, i can't wait for that day when i can go through one whole day without a single thought of you/about you. its raining. i think i'll hit the sack. and try not to spend on cab again tmr.

Post yoga face:

forever my flavor; raspberry sorbet

CNY at vic's. thanks for having us :*

新年快乐，恭喜发财！

Its chinese new year again. so this year, i started off the whole cny thing by sending my dear friend off to New Zealand before making my late arrival at my grandma's for reunion dinner. we had steamboat and grill this year. temple after that and today we scooted off to grandma's again and after which, my aunt's new house which is really beautiful. its almost like.. my dream house. just need that open balcony garden and it will be near perfect. and they have this really gigantic golden retriever and he is just so damn adorable. i really want a pet dog ugh.

my bro refuses to send me pictures that i took using the iPhone cause he is lazy (i guess) and i brought my camera out without the memory card (AGAIN! ) so all i have for day 1 of CNY is this pic of the brother and me on the car. he has dimples. i have pimples. :

necklace from my daddy. i was so touched when he gave it to me. cause he actually remembered what i said casually, like i dont even mean it but i guess he didnt want his daughter to feel ugly. HAH. and mum told me that he actually picked the necklace and went to plate it just so he could let me have it today. he gave me a pair of earrings to go with the necklace. and he is such a silly shy man. 

during breakfast he was all "dk you ah. if you dont like thn too bad. "

after i wore my dress, i went to my parent's room to get mum's help to button the back and my dad was like" you don't like the necklace?" with that slightly disappointed expression on his face cause i wasn't wearing it thn. OF COURSE I DO. its so pretty c'mon. i got so emotional when mum told me how he kept asking her to remind him to bring it home for me. 

thanks dad. so so much. you're the best cause nobody loves me as much as you do. and it doesn't matter if you dont say it. cause i know it. i knew it since the day you took the cane for me. :') 

sometimes i dont, sometimes i do.

its 4.11 am now.
i have so much to think about.

小可爱

popped by fan's place after work today to visit this adorable little mousey chihuahua. and thn i came home to cut and peel onions. alot alot alot of onions. i cried so bad. ah, i wish i have a dog as cute as Hazel. 

gdnight y'all!

my dear girls,

remember to love yourself even when others dont.
make yourself look pretty. and do things that makes you feel better.


things that makes me feel a little better this week would be......
my eyebrow? cause they are so extremely neat now. and...
my hair! bought myself loreal's hair mask cause my split ends are getting way out of hand.

my darling girls who are going through bad times, just know that you're not alone. we've got different stories but we will all get better in time! Here is a song for y'all.

and i'm... so in love with Lawson. and ed sheeran. i can watch drunk's mv for one whole day and i dont think i will get sick of it. maybe you'll know why after you watched it. and... influx of lawson videos cause i cannot make up my mind which is my favourite. of course i really like "standing in the dark" but i think i've posted that before. 

weight update: 42.5kg, 32 more days. 

gonna crash.

*-*

i want.

 

but you're better than this.

" save your heart for someone thats worth dying for. "

2 steps forward, 1 step back.

some things are better left unsaid, so i kept my silence.

if you'd ask if i'm scared.

yes i am, scared as hell. cause i know that just one look might bring all my emotions back. 

and also cause conversing with you is enough to make me feel so nervous i wanna puke. 

so no, i won't speak of it unless i know i am strong enough to handle whatever may come from you. 

but what i really wanted to say was that... 

yknow, it would be so much easier for me if you would just end at "Bye." and just continue being an ass. i mean like.. you said bye. thn you said some inappropriate stuff. idk what you're trying to do or what you expect me to say. you should be really happy now. with your girlfriend. so don't say this kind of things to me. it shouldnt matter to you anymore. or maybe you were telling me that you think we made the right decision to end this. idk. About thinking that we know each other and knows what we wanted; i know i don't know you enough cause you dont usually share but i really wanted to know more. ha. sounds so familiar, feels like i've said this so many times. and really, 3 years is not enough to know someone. thn again, how much do we know about each other before we dived into this relationship. you think you don't know me. i think i dont know me. don't know why i'm such a baby when i'm with you. i can be strong. but i guess i just needed you to care. and i dont know why i can be so stupid. i dont know what happened. but bye is supposed to mean bye. so i was just confused.

funny thing is that i can say that you're an ass over and over again. but deep down i dont even know if i believe that you are. cause i think about some of the things and i actually tell myself that you're not that bad. which doesnt help me feel better.

i was thinking about the interview qn; if there was one thing you could change about yourself or your life, what would that be. maybe, just maybe, i would like to change the way we have to end. 

nvm. you just be happy. i'll try to be happier. "2 steps forward, 1 step back"; i'm still moving forward. so its ok. today, marks a new beginning.  cause there are no more reasons or excuses left. no more taking steps back. its just going to be forward forward and forward.

but thank you. for giving it back.
/inhale/exhale/

Who am i kidding.

its been kinda long since i felt this way. like.. disappointed.
i just want you to know that somethings are really important to me and that was one of the things.
cause as stupid as it may sound, i will want to show it to my children next time. i will want to show my husband. and i will want to look back at it. i want my parents to look at it and remember how they watched me grow. and was it so difficult for you to just reply?
nevermind.

this weekend was kinda.. emotional.
i was happy.
happy cause i spent time with my girls. dont know what i did in my previous life to deserve such great friends. love you girls ok. and i mean it when i say it. you girls always make me really happy.

and i imagine how hard it is for my friend and i got reminded of how hard it was for me thn.

so much on my mind now i dont even know what to say. but if i can have a super power now, i want to  have the ability to heal. but its not possible. So dear friend, just remember that you once gave me the quote; you are given this life cause you are strong enough to live it. I am. and You are.

on a happier note, i saw a wild boar for the first time in my life this weekend. also, i had a really good coconut and i finally climbed the roof with the girls.

Hey Feb!

January is over just like that.
Today i watched Hansel & Gretel. and i can't believe this myself, but i have never watched a movie with my dearest friend in the 7-8 years that we have known each other. so this is the first time and i think we picked the right movie. Quite like the movie but I have to say it was pretty gory though.

Meeting the girls tmr. Hope the weather will be on our side!

xo,xy!